Deeper Relationships & The Enneagram
Deeper Relationships & The Enneagram
Written By Ellen Parker Allen
“You can never change how you see the world. All you can do is change what you do with how you see.”
Suzanne Stabile
For most of my life, I believed that my way of seeing the world was accurate and true, that people who disagreed with me were just wrong, or at least unenlightened. What a shock it was to learn, as I was introduced to the Enneagram, that other people genuinely saw things very differently, and that their views had merit! They weren’t just being obtuse. My lens was not the only reasonable way to see.
The greatest gifts the Enneagram has offered to my relationships are awareness (particularly self-awareness) and compassion.
Awareness is gold. The Enneagram teaches us to observe ourselves, to watch ourselves in action, to “catch ourselves in the act”. As we begin to see our own patterned, habitual, knee-jerk reactions, we can begin to make different choices. In the words of Enneagram pioneers, Don Riso and Russ Hudson, “Once we understand the nature of our personality’s mechanisms, we begin to have a choice about identifying with them or not. If we are not aware of them, clearly no choice is possible.” Self-awareness gives me new freedom to choose my responses.
As I watched myself respond to my husband in my conditioned pattern (often abruptly and aggressively, I’m sorry to say), a light switched on, and I realized I had a choice. I didn’t have to respond in that same old way. It was up to me! This seems so intuitively obvious, in retrospect, but I had never realized I had such choices! (I would have explained to you that, “It’s just the way I am.” ‘Turns out I actually have choices about my reactions!)
In addition to self-awareness, the Enneagram has given me a richer awareness of others. I can more easily understand how they see the world. I have found new patience with my husband who has a real need to handle issues in the present moment. He is driven by whatever is right before him. I have often found myself annoyed by his need for me to drop what I’m doing and attend to the issue that is currently pressing for him. The Enneagram has helped me to understand and accept his way of being. He’s not trying to be demanding or controlling. The current issue feels more urgent to him than it does to me. Neither of us is wrong; we merely see the world differently. We can more readily compromise without judging or accusing each other, now.
And my sister has always been focused on seeing and meeting the needs of everyone in her sphere. She has always felt a need to include people I might have excluded from our gatherings. In the past I have seen her as “creating work” and unnecessarily taking on the concerns of absolutely everyone. I think she saw me as selfish. When I might have chosen to invite a small intimate group to a gathering, she felt the need to cast a wider net, so as not to exclude anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings. The truth is that both our views are valid, and it’s surprising how much easier it is for us to compromise, now that we both understand the Enneagram and are aware of each other’s viewpoints.
Compassion springs organically from awareness. In all honesty, I’ve never seen myself as a particularly compassionate person. I was aware that I tended to be impatient and even a little judgmental. But compassion has genuinely invaded my relationships since I began my Enneagram journey. And I don’t have to force myself to be compassionate. It’s just a natural outgrowth of the process. What a blessing to be with family and with friends and know that their ways of seeing and being are beautiful and have merit. The unique sparks they bring to the world are valuable.
My relationships are deeper and more honest when I bring awareness and compassion to them. That’s an enormous blessing that came to me through learning the Enneagram.
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